Fed up posting serious stuff.... have some jokes

Thomas J Stamp · 03-05-2006, 16:07

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

I was saying to my mum the other day "Vertebrae, disc, spine" and she hit me for talking back.

"Help me doctor, I can't stop singing green green grass of home"
"Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me"
"Is that common?"
"It's not unusual"

John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed. However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity. John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity"

A man got ship wrecked and washed up on a desert island. he looked around -the beach was purple, the trees were purple, everywhere he looked was purple. "my god," he said, "i've been marooned."

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was in the army, started seeing one of the officers above me. However, after a while I was left with no choice but to break it off. She didn't takeit well, so I said "Don't cry for me, Seargent Tina!"

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

"So I wanted to break up with my girlfriend, so I sent her some snow through the post. I think she got the drift."

Man walks into a butchers.
"Bet you £5,000 you can't get those bits of meat down off the top shelf".
"You're right" replied the butcher, "The steaks are too high."

Someone please stop me.

Mark Gleeson · 03-05-2006, 16:24

Bringing it more on topic the classic ticket gag

hree engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.

So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

Thomas J Stamp · 03-05-2006, 16:31

You want on topic................. you've got on topic!!!

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"

I'm very sorry.

Mark · 03-05-2006, 22:03

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/spl/h...in_/html/1.stm

Thomas J Stamp · 04-05-2006, 09:22

Ha ha ha,. it's happening everywhere!!! are these the Cambodian CDE sets?

Mark · 10-05-2006, 22:37

Need a laugh? Needs sound..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20xfq...arch=belgian%2
A Belgian chat show with a guest who had his testicles removed by mistake during an operation.

Thomas J Stamp · 19-05-2006, 11:53

Get a really big man to do it?

03-05-2006, 16:07	#1
Thomas J Stamp Chairman/Publicity Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: The Home of Hurling Posts: 2,708	Fed up posting serious stuff.... have some jokes There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." I was saying to my mum the other day "Vertebrae, disc, spine" and she hit me for talking back. "Help me doctor, I can't stop singing green green grass of home" "Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me" "Is that common?" "It's not unusual" John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed. However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity. John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity" A man got ship wrecked and washed up on a desert island. he looked around -the beach was purple, the trees were purple, everywhere he looked was purple. "my god," he said, "i've been marooned." So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". So I was in the army, started seeing one of the officers above me. However, after a while I was left with no choice but to break it off. She didn't takeit well, so I said "Don't cry for me, Seargent Tina!" So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. "So I wanted to break up with my girlfriend, so I sent her some snow through the post. I think she got the drift." Man walks into a butchers. "Bet you £5,000 you can't get those bits of meat down off the top shelf". "You're right" replied the butcher, "The steaks are too high." Someone please stop me. __________________ We are the passengers

03-05-2006, 16:31	#3
Thomas J Stamp Chairman/Publicity Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: The Home of Hurling Posts: 2,708	You want on topic................. you've got on topic!!! So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin" I'm very sorry. __________________ We are the passengers

10-05-2006, 22:37	#6
Mark Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Northern line Posts: 1,311	Need a laugh? Needs sound.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20xfq...arch=belgian%2 A Belgian chat show with a guest who had his testicles removed by mistake during an operation. Last edited by Mark : 10-05-2006 at 22:43.

19-05-2006, 11:53	#7
Thomas J Stamp Chairman/Publicity Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: The Home of Hurling Posts: 2,708	Solution to City Centre Rail problems? Get a really big man to do it? __________________ We are the passengers

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Email this Page	Search this Thread: Advanced Search
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

03-05-2006, 16:24	#2
Mark Gleeson Technical Officer Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Coach C, Seat 33 Posts: 12,669	Bringing it more on topic the classic ticket gag hree engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

03-05-2006, 22:03	#4
Mark Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Northern line Posts: 1,311	http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/spl/h...in_/html/1.stm